Where to begin... what to say....

I have thought about so many different things to blog about over the past few months, but every time I sit down to do it, I have writer's block.

Well actually, I have more of sick feeling and then I get angry.  This blog was not supposed to be about sadness and anger.  It was supposed to be about happy times, funny stories, and cute pictures.

Honestly, I feel like I put up a really good front on Facebook and in my day-to-day life.  I have really thrown myself into work and I have been incredibly busy, which is great!  I know that most people reading this may even think, "Really? You seem fine..."  And I am.  (most days)

I have been really sad the last few days.  And I don't think its because of any particular date, event, nothing happened, I'm just sad.  I still feel cheated.  I am angry that I don't have 4 or 5 children here with me.  On the flip side, there are times that I see babies and I am relieved to not be in that stage.  How stupid of me!?!?

Yes, I know I am a crazy person.

I go back to the "crazy" doctor on Thursday for a follow up and I guess we will discuss changing my meds.  She had told me that she doesn't want me changing the dosage without talking to her.  Well... I don't follow directions very well.  Ha!  Actually, there were a few days that I forgot to take my medicine (not consecutive, but sporadically) and I didn't feel any different, so I decided to go a few days at a slightly lower dose.  I started having nightmares about dead babies and I noticed myself wanting to dwell on the losses more.  Not good stuff, so I bumped it back up.  :(

As I look through these pictures of Bowie at the hospital, I analyze every little thing and think, "Why didn't try this or do this????"  Why couldn't they save my baby?  Why didn't they screen me better or do more tests.  I know that where he is at, he isn't in pain.  he knows no sadness, but I do and it hurts so much.  I wish I would have taken more pictures or a cast of his little body (is that the craziest thing you have ever heard?).  I just wish I had more of him than an urn.

I have seen a few funerals lately for infants and I can't help but wonder if I should have done that.  Would it have helped?  I don't know that it would have.  Did I cheat my friends and family out of their goodbyes?  Or would they have even come?  I was in no condition to have a funeral at that time and then I would have felt guilty having one for Bowie and not having one for Joey.

I don't really have much else to say.  I wish this would have never happened.