Joey's Story...

I thought it best to start at the beginning to tell you about our angel baby, Joey.  We found out we were pregnant on June 17th, which is our oldest son, Barrett's birthday.  This pregnancy was quite a surprise since I was still nursing our almost nine month old, George and I was on birth control.  My estimated due date based on when I remembered my last period was February 14, 2015.  I started weaning George that day.  We had a healthy supply of breast milk stored up.  I switched from nursing-mode to pregnancy-mode!

I called and made my first appointment for July 1st.  The doctor did some blood work (like normal).  The nurse called a day or two later and told me that my progesterone levels were low.  I was put on daily progesterone pills that made me sick and crazy feeling.  Most days, I was nauseous, tired, dizzy, and just flat out yucky feeling.
At that time, the nurse told me about the chance of miscarriage.  I was upset and felt that I wouldn't be bringing a baby home this time.  I've had three other successful pregnancies, so I tried to put that thought out of my mind.  I tried to stay positive, but the thought kept creeping back....

We had our first sonogram on July 15th and I measured a week behind where we thought I should be.  The doctor said that the baby might be small, might have been a weak egg, or I might have had delayed ovulation because of nursing George and my cycle hadn't regulated yet.  Again, a thought of "something is not right..." entered my mind.  The doctor agreed that we would nail down a more exact due date at my next sonogram.

4 weeks later, I had another appointment... I expected to go in and be told that there was no heartbeat because of all of the issues up to that point.  I was surprised when the nurse found a strong heartbeat right away.  We scheduled another appointment for another 4 weeks later and we would do another sonogram at that time.  At this point, I started to prepare my mind that this was really happening!  It was time to pick names, figure out room locations, stock up on diapers, etc.

Over the next 4 weeks, I lost a few pounds, which isn't a huge deal since I didn't gain much weight during my last pregnancy.  I was still not feeling well, so my appetite was diminished.  About a week before my next appointment, I thought to myself, "I wonder if I could fit into my regular clothes?"  I didn't feel like I was really getting bigger...  I just kept these thoughts to myself.

Around 14 weeks, I started to feel some little flutters.  One night, I laid in bed and started to feel subtle kicks.  Bonham was able to feel some too.  That's the best when you can feel your baby move inside of you....  I started to feel pregnant and I was getting used to be pregnant again.

We had some friends at church that went in for their anatomy sonogram (done between 16-20 weeks) to see their baby and reveal the gender.  At that appointment, they discovered that their baby had passed.  I prayed for them every day and every night and they were constantly on my mind as our appointment approached.  A few days before our next appointment with a sonogram scheduled, Bonham asked if I had felt the baby moving.  I really hadn't and I wasn't sure if I should lie to make him feel better.  When it's that early, you have to really stop and try to feel movement, because they are smaller and more subtle movements.  These thoughts of our friends, the lack of movement, and the loss of weight made me think we may not get good news at this sonogram.  I ran through scenarios in my mind of how I would handle the news, if given.  I have had several friends lose babies at many different stages and I prepared myself to be strong if something like that were to happen to us.
Again, I tried to put those thoughts out of my mind and I played through the scenarios of finding out what we were having and then buying their first little outfit that afternoon to show the big kids.  We were going to do a small gender-reveal party with the kids and my parents that evening.


On September 9th, we had our second sonogram appointment.  We were called back to the sonogram room and the lady put the Doppler scan thing on my stomach and said, "Oh, we're early."  I was at least 16 weeks and 3 days, possibly further along... so her comment made me think, "We're not early.  Something is wrong."

She didn't say another word.  None of us said a thing.  Bonham and I looked at each other with a look of "I know" on our faces and little smiles of reassurance.  She marked some of the images on the screen, which gave me hope that our thoughts were wrong.... looking back, she was probably buying time; not knowing what to say.

She kept moving the scanner thing.... I didn't see the heart flicker and there was no sound when she turned on the thump, thump, thump monitor thing.  (sorry I don't know the technical terms of these items)  She monitored some blood flow and I had a little hope again.  She stopped the sonogram and said that I could clean up and she'd be back.  Sonograms never go this way.  Something was definitely wrong.

Bonham said, "There's no heartbeat."

I said, "I know."  And then I cried.

The lady turned around and she had tears in her eyes, "I'm so sorry..." she said.

Since I've never experienced this before, my fear was that they would take me into a room, perform a D&C and send me on my way.... because I wasn't sure how it would all play out and if I would have any answers, I asked if she could see what the baby was.  She tried, but couldn't see.  We called my mom to come get George.

We met with the doctor and made a plan for delivery.  Because I was 16+ weeks, I was able to labor and deliver him.  They prepared us for the worst; stating that he might not come out intact and that we may not want to see him, but they would let us if we chose to.  It all happened so fast, but I will try to recall the events of that evening and morning....

My mom, (AKA: Nana or Super Nana) took over caring for our other three children: dinner, baths, getting the big kids off to school, entertaining George, etc.

We arrived at the hospital at 7:30pm and met with our nurses.  They explained the medicines they would give me.   We had some of the best nurses!  They were very kind and patient.  Both of them had experienced losses, (not the same as mine exactly, but it was nice that they could relate to what I was going through).  I asked for one more sonogram, just to confirm everything before we started down this road.  I needed confirmation that I was doing the right thing.  The sonogram confirmed that he had passed....  :(  Since our sonogram that morning was so different and quiet, I wanted someone to point to the screen and show me where the heartbeat should be and where it wasn't.

One last sonogram... his sweet little profile picture

I received an oral medicine to start the contractions.  My blood was drawn for testing and my IV was started around midnight.  I was also given that same medicine vaginally to speed up the process.

Around 1:00am, I was given some ambien to help me sleep.  The nurse would come back at 2:30 to give me more medicine and she told me to try to rest a little for the next hour or so.  I tried, but it was hard... I was crying and then the cramping started, and I was freezing cold!   About the time I had had enough, I called out to Bonham and the nurse walked in.  I told her that I would like some pain meds and more blankets.  I repositioned in the bed, received the pain meds and more of the labor-inducing oral medication.  She asked if I needed to be checked and I said, "no", but then as she started to get ready to leave, I changed my mind.  I told her, "something is going on down there..."

She checked and sure enough, I was bleeding.  The medicine was working.  She checked me and I was almost ready to deliver.  It's not clear what I dilated to or even what they were hoping that I would dilate to, but I am assuming whatever my body did was sufficient for what they needed for me to deliver.  They prepped the room and brought the doctor in.  I delivered Joey at 4:16am still in his amniotic sac.  We got to see Joey in his little amniotic sac.  That was an amazing site to see how God grows a baby in there.  The umbilical cord was so tiny and fragile, that they had to be very careful trying to get the placenta out.  The doctor (and I) wanted to avoid a D&C, as they can cause more issues and potentially long-term damage.  They gave me more meds to keep trying to get the placenta out and gave me several hours for them to manually get it out... that was incredibly painful.

The amniotic sac was so strong that the nurses had to cut the sac open to get him out.  They cleaned him up and gave him to us to hold and take pictures.  He was completely intact and it was obvious that he was a BOY!   He had all of his limbs, appendages, etc.  He was perfect.  The nurse even commented that this was the smallest baby she had seen fully intact.  He was a miracle!  The nurses weighed and measured him, took his hand prints and footprints, etc.  We took pictures and just admired him.  We cried.  It was so hard to let him go knowing that once he was taken away, that was it... he would not be returned to us.

I know that not everyone wants to see pictures of our baby, but I wanted to share this sweet picture of his foot.  You can see from this picture how perfectly formed babies are even at an early age.  How can anyone abort a baby seeing this????

I wanted to put in perspective how small he was... 

You may notice how shiny he is.  Babies this early do not have regular "baby skin", its still forming and very different, but being our baby, I can't help but admire God's handiwork!

We named him Joseph Radford Calk.  Joseph comes from my mom, whose middle name is Jo and we knew we wanted to use Joseph in our baby boy's name.  Originally, it was going to be a middle name.  My mother-in-law had wanted us to use Radford from the minute we told her we were pregnant.  I liked the name Radford, but was having issues with falling in love with it as a first name.  I couldn't figure out, if we used it, what I would want to call him...

A few weeks back, I had asked Bonham about using Joseph as a first name and calling him Joey.  In my mind, my plan was to get Bonham's "stamp of approval" on Joey and then decorate with kangaroos!  Haha!  Barrett is our "Bear", George is our "Monkey", and Joey would be our "Kangaroo"  (I like animals)

Bonham didn't agree to Joey.... :(  He wanted to keep Joseph as a middle name.  Then when all of this happened, "Joseph" was really the only name that we knew we were going use for sure, so it got bumped up to be our first choice!  We chose Radford to honor Julie's request.  When it came together, if just seems like this should have always been his name.  I prefer to call him Joey. (my little kangaroo)

My silly Bonham modeling a shirt given to Joey in August
from his Grandma (my mother-in-law, Julie)

When your baby dies at  under 20 weeks gestation, the state doesn't recognize it as a stillbirth.  It's classified as a miscarriage and the hospital disposes of your baby (or what they call tissue or specimen).  It's very sad to think about.  Technically, we didn't have to name him or choose to do anything with his body.  We know that he is heaven with Jesus, but we needed and wanted more for ourselves and our older children.  We decided to name him and recognize him as a part of our family.  We were also given an opportunity to have him cremated at a local funeral home.  They offer to do it for free for babies under 20 weeks.  My in-laws offered to pay for his urn and engraving.  So sweet how it all came together for our baby.  :)

How beautiful is this sweet urn?

My doctor had a little autopsy done on Joey and it was determined that there were NO heart defects, which was reassuring with Barrett's history.  There are some chromosomal tests being run and we should have those results at my follow up appointment in early October.  The doctor has prepared us that they may not be able to determine that anything was wrong.  Sometimes, these things happen and we never get a reason or explanation.... and we have to accept that.  We are intelligent people and we understand that God has a plan for us.  He had a reason for taking Joey when He did.  I know that Joey is in a better place.  I know that people don't know what to say during times like this.  The best thing you can say is, "Sorry for your loss." and "I love you."  Nothing you can say or do will bring him back or make it easier.  I don't want to hear that it's for the best... death of your child will never feel that way.  I know that when people reach out to comfort us, it comes from a good place and we appreciate it.  :)

Over the past week and a half, we have received cards, flowers, messages, meals, and gifts from some of our sweet friends.  I am trying to thank everyone, but if I miss you, please forgive me... my days run together and I am forgetful.  Know that I appreciate each and everyone of you, your kind words, your prayers, everything....

I am medicated for pain and for emotional stability.  My doctor has been good to me to help me deal with all of this.  I just go through the motions each day.  Some days are better than others.  I know it will get better; it will get easier.  I don't want to forget him, but I don't want to be sad either....  I am working to stay busy.  We are trying to keep our routine normal.  I know there will be more to say in the future... but this is all for now.