I really don't want this blog to be a "woe is me.... I'm so sad" blog, but right now, the sadness is all consuming. When people are around, I can hold back the tears (most of the time). When I am alone, it's a different story. I can't stop thinking about Bowie. Thinking that I should still be pregnant, still working, still normal. I feel so far from normal... I feel empty. I feel like my body failed me (again). I am mad at myself for getting pregnant again, when I had so many reservations after losing Joey. I honestly thought that there was no way God would take him from me....
I know I sound like a broken record....
I am sad. I am angry. I am in disbelief. I am sad. I am angry. I am in disbelief. I am sad. I am angry. I am in disbelief. I am sad. I am angry. I am in disbelief. I am sad. I am angry. I am in disbelief. I am sad. I am angry. I am in disbelief. I am sad. I am angry. I am in disbelief.
On and on and on.... Most of you don't want to hear it anymore. I can understand that, but this is my way of feeling better. Writing is therapeutic to me. I have so much anger and sadness inside of me and this seems like the best way for me to get it out of my system. I'm not ready to "get over it". I feel like if I hold onto the anger and sadness a little longer, Bowie is still with me. As soon as the healing starts, it's like he is really gone. I don't want him to be gone. I want him to be here. With me. On Earth. Why does it have to be this way?
I will never have another baby. I don't even want another baby. I want Bowie. I want Joey. I know realistically that if Joey would have survived, we wouldn't have gotten pregnant with Bowie. Everything happens for a reason... blah, blah, blah. What is the reason for this pain? Maybe to help others with their pain... but why do they have to be in pain too? It seems like an unnecessary thing for us to experience as human beings.
I would have taken a special needs child, a sick child, anything. But why have I been dealt this hand in life?
So many people say, "you're so strong". Not really. I go on because what is the alternative? I'm not going to end my life. I can't sleep my life away, even though that sounds appealing to me. I can't stay drugged the rest of my days, which also sounds appealing... My family needs me to function. My kids needs me. My husband needs me. I will eventually have to get through a day without crying and without taking medication. I will have to go back to work. I will have to interact with the outside world again. Ugh.
I know that not every day will be good and not every day will be as bad as today is so far. I dreamt of Bowie last night and maybe that is why today is harder than yesterday. I was at an event and I saw him... he was a toddler, but I knew him. He looked like George. There was a blonde lady holding him in her lap and he reached up for me. I held him and held him. Even though no words were said, I knew that I only had a little time with him. We sat down and I read a book to him and just rocked and rocked back and forth. I smelled his hair and he had that sweet baby smell. You know the one right after a bath? He turned towards the blonde woman and called her "mommy" and he was ready to go back to her.... I held him so tight and cried. I tried to tell him, "I'm your mommy. Not her." She smiled sweetly, came and picked him up and walked out.... I layed on the floor and cried. The people in the room slowly disappeared and the room got dark. Then I woke up. I kept trying to go back to sleep and start the dream again, just so that I would have more time with him. Even if it's in my dream, I just want to hold him again. I want to read him a book, sing him a song, rock him to sleep, let him know that I am his mommy!
End rant.
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