How are you?

The questions I get most of the time are, "How are you doing today?" or "How are you feeling?"

My typical response is, "I'm okay".  A few people get more from me... "I have good and bad moments" and occasionally, "Today is not a good day".  The truth is that most days are not good days.

So, here it is.... this is how I feel:
I am incredibly sad. I'm in disbelief that this has happened (again).  I'm exhausted.  I'm in physical pain, because of the surgeries.  I'm angry.  Easily irritated.  Unmotivated.  Heartbroken. Weak.  Lost.  Disappointed.  Unsure of what to say and do next...  Losing a child has to be hands-down, the worst emotional pain that a parent can experience.  I know that it gets easier as time goes on, since I had the unfortunate luck of going through this before, but it still sucks!  It's not fair.  I feel cheated.  Cheated out of the joy of birthing and bringing home another baby.  Cheated out of raising another of Bonham's clones.

I feel bad for my children who have lost two brothers and that their mother is an emotional train wreck right now.  I feel bad for my husband that he has lost two of his four sons and that he has a wife who cries inconsolably.  I feel bad for my parents and my in-laws, our grandparents, our nieces and nephew that I feel like they are missing out on a gift I was supposed to deliver to them.  The doctor told me that this is most easily compared to "survivor's guilt", because even though I didn't cause this to happen and I couldn't have changed the outcome, I feel responsible.
I feel bad for anyone reading this who is crying.  I don't want you to be sad.  I don't want to be sad.

I want my baby to still be in my womb, growing healthy and strong for his delivery in September.  I wanted to nurse my baby.  I wanted to dress him up in hand me downs from his brothers and compare pictures.  I wanted to take him to the Alamo and take his picture next to anything and everything that had "Bowie".  I wanted to explain to him where we got his name and show him pictures of my grumpy, old Papo who still would have been happy we used his name.  I wanted to send out birth announcements.  I wanted to have a sip and see when he was born.  I wanted to be that crazy lady with 4 kids!

I had planned to take a professional family portrait for the first time in our lives.... I had envisioned George and Bowie sitting with Joey's urn and those would be my September babies - George was born Sept 25, 2013, Joey died and was born on Sept 10, 2014, and Bowie's due date was Sept 23, 2015.  There are so many things that I wanted to do.  I am a planner and when a thought triggers a memory of a plan I had for my rowdy bunch, it makes me cry.

I know what some people are thinking... "You can still do a photo shoot with the 3 children that you have."  Yes, I know.  And I will.  The children that are here with me on Earth are no less special and they are not being cast aside, but this kind of pain can be all consuming.  And on top of all of this.... I didn't want to take a family picture with TWO URNS!!!!!  (This is where my anger comes out).  I never thought I would own an urn that contained one of my children, let alone two urns.  No parent should - it's cruel.

I question everything that was said and done in the events leading up to June 30th.  I wish that I could go back and push pause.  I wish I would have asked more questions and been given more time and more options.  I wish I would have begged the doctor to start the steroid shots on the 19th when they found the fluid.  I wish we would have pushed for more monitoring and more answers.

I trusted the doctors.  I trusted God.  Unfortunately, I was let down.  I know that God has a plan that we won't know and we don't always understand.  I am still praying (mainly for others more than myself).  But then the negativity sneaks in.... it's probably the devil, but it's there, nonetheless.  I have an internal argument that my prayers won't necessarily be answered just because they are heard.  God has His plan.  He knew the plan before He created us.  My prayers, your prayers.... they won't change His plan.  I know it makes us feel better to talk to God.  And I want to remain a faithful follower.  I know He provides, He blesses, He comforts, He can heal, and He loves.  I know all of that.  It doesn't keep me from asking, "Why?  Why me?  Why again?"

I question a lot of things right now.....
Are my boys together?  Are they babies in Heaven?  Or are they little boys?  Or are they men?  Do our family members who went before them know that they are mine and Bonham's baby boys and will they stick together?  Will Joey and Bowie know us when we get to Heaven?  Will we know them?  Will any of this matter when we get there?  What if we have NO earthly memory?  So many questions.... I know I am over thinking Heaven.  I just want my babies here with us.

I cry.  I cry more when nobody's around.  I don't want someone to watch me cry.  I don't want someone to try to make me feel better.  No words can help me.  It's just a process that I have to go through.  It's been hard to really grieve because I have been so wrapped up in all of the medical part.  I have a feeling that when the physical part is over, there will still be plenty of emotional drama to get through.


For those of you who don't know what happened medically after the initial hospital stay, here is an overview: I had the c-section and tubal ligation on June 30th.  I was released from the hospital on the 3rd.  The hospital removed my staples that day too.  On the 4th, I reached out to two medical professionals with some concerns about part of my incision opening.  It seemed fine.  We got through the weekend.  Wound stayed the same.  On Wednesday, I felt some hard lumps forming around the incision and by Thursday, the open part of the incision was flat out bleeding!

I went to the doctor and he called down a general surgeon.  We made an appointment for Friday morning for him to clean it out and seal the wound.  When I showed up the next morning, the hematoma (blood clots) around my incision had gotten worse and he feared there was a start of an infection, so he had me scheduled for surgery that day.  It sounded like an overnight stay.... that turned into a weekend stay.... that extended to going home on Wednesday.  :(  I now have what is called a "wound vac", which is where the wound is opened back up and left open, but stuffed with a sponge.  That sponge is connected to a vacuum, tube, and machine.  I have to carry around this little black case with my pump in it.  Fun, huh?

This is supposed to be a better healing process from the inside out.  I have a home health nurse coming 3 times a week to change out the dressing.  I will have this for around 4 weeks (give or take).  During the next 4-5 weeks, I am limited to not lifting more than 10 pounds and I haven't been given a time frame on clearance to drive.

 I feel helpless having people wait on me and bring me everything and do every little thing for me.  I am getting up and doing some things (showering, walking around a little, etc.), but I can't be on my feet too long before it starts to hurt too much.  I'm not supposed to bend over too much... so many restrictions.  My mom takes George to and from day care and I've had some friends come over and "babysit" me!  It's nice to have company, even if I am pretty lame right now.  We have friends that are still bringing meals every other day, which have been a huge help!  I told my friend, Pam that I didn't want to "milk" the meals too long, but they are so helpful.  I didn't know the appropriate amount of time to keep accepting meals, but someone else told me that it's acceptable until I am up and around like normal.  So I guess I need food for another few weeks....  What!?!  LOL

Poor Bonham has to get up and leave for work at 4:30am and he works in the heat while training at the fire department.  He gets home around 5:30pm and after he eats, studies, and gets his gear ready for the next day, there isn't much time for him to do much else.  My mom and dad are helping as much as they can too, but they have jobs that they work all day.  I am normally the one that just does the stuff that others don't have time to do, but I can't right now.  It's strange for me.  It makes me crazy!

So, if the spirit moves you and you are wondering how you can help or what you can do..... you could babysit me/keep me company for a few hours M-F, make and deliver a meal, or make a contribution through our go fund me account to help cover expenses while I am off and we seem to be paying for more people to do things for us.   Here is the website: http://www.gofundme.com/yastzc

We have already been so blessed by the outpourings of love and I can't thank everyone enough.  When I am healed, I am going to make more of an effort to do these kinds of things for others in need, because it really has made such an impact on us!

I will try to blog more soon.  It helps me feel better to put my feelings in writing, even if they are sporadic and a little A.D.D.  ;)