Bowie's Story

Not sure where to begin.... this all seems like deja vu for me to be here....

I guess I need to start with the loss of our 4th child, Joey on September 10, 2014.  He was an unexpected blessing that God called home just a few weeks into our 2nd trimester.  I delivered him and was able to spend some time with him, take pictures, say our goodbyes.  We had him cremated and placed in a beautiful urn that we could bring home and keep him with us.

Over the next few months, we grieved and questioned... we questioned God's plan and why he took Joey from us.  We also questioned whether or not to have more children.  I had decided that I couldn't deal with the pain of experiencing another loss and I wanted to get my tubes tied.  I made an appointment and went in for my pre-op in November.  I sat in the doctor's office and cried and cried.  All of the thoughts of the loss were flooding back and I couldn't go through with the surgery.  The doctor sat down and told me that there was no medical reason for me to not have more children.  I left the office and felt good about the decision, even if we decided not to have more children.

Bonham was pretty adamant about being finished.  I was on the fence.  Christmas came and I really felt the urge to try just one more time.  With a little "wifely persuasion", he said, "okay, one more...."  :)

As with all of our other pregnancies, we got pregnant right away.  We found out on January 14th that we were expecting.  We immediately started doing blood work to monitor my levels closely.  We decided to keep it under wraps for a little while, as I was understandably very, very nervous about another loss.  I told the doctor on the first appointment that this was our last pregnancy, regardless of the outcome.  Four children was a good, full house of craziness and another loss would be too much to bear.  I had a plan to get my tubes tied after this delivery (for real this time).

The numbers were great in early pregnancy; everything was measuring on track.  Blood work and further testing by a specialist was all perfect.  I occasionally had some moments of worry that we wouldn't bring a baby home this time either.  I bought a fetal doppler and tried to listen to the baby's heartbeat every day.  One day when I couldn't find the heartbeat and I FREAKED OUT!  I went to the doctor and they found it.  Soon after that, I felt the baby move on a regular basis and I stopped using the doppler as often.  I felt confident that we were bringing home a baby this time!

Weeks went by, I started to feel more and more pregnant (normal).  We had regular appointments and everything was good.  We had been seeing a specialist to check the baby's heart and watch for any abnormalities since there was nothing found to be wrong with Joey.  On June 19th, we had what was supposed to be our last appointment with the specialist to "clear us".  On this appointment, the doctor found fluid around Bowie's lungs.  He seemed concerned enough to want to see us every 2 weeks until delivery, but not concerned enough to take any further action at that time.  Fluid around the lungs can be caused by several different things.  The doctor checked me for any viruses that I might have had that would cause Bowie's fluid.  Everything was negative.  His chromosomal tests all looked good too.  Bowie was measuring about a week and a half ahead of schedule on growth and his weight was around 3lb 1oz.  The typical weight for a baby this age should be just under 2 lbs.  Some of that may have been the fluid and some of it may have been that he was just going to be a big baby.

With the fluid, there were three ways it could pan out: 1) the fluid could go away as quickly as it appeared, 2) the fluid could stay the same and need to be drained after birth, or 3) the fluid could get worse and action would need to be taken.  The concern with the fluid around a baby's lung is that they don't have room to grow and develop.  Even though the baby doesn't need their lungs to work in utero, they need them immediately after birth.  We did some online research and there wasn't a ton of information, but from what I read, I was really at peace that everything was going to be okay.  Bonham and I decided not to tell a lot of people about the fluid, because we thought there wasn't a real issue and we didn't want to get people alarmed for no reason.

We made the appointment for 11 days later, because Bonham was off work and he had to go back on the 1st.  June 30th is Bonham's birthday.  We had plans to go the doctor's appointment, get some lunch, take Barrett and our niece to a water park (Jayna was at camp), etc.  Fun day ahead....
We went to the appointment and I started getting nervous.  That peace I had was gone.   The doctor came in and started the sonogram and I instantly saw black around his heart and lungs (all in his abdominal cavity).  I asked the doctor, "It's worse isn't it?".  he said it was.  My hear sank.  At this point, I was 27 weeks and 6 days pregnant.  Bowie was now approximately 4lbs 6 oz - that is a ton for a baby to gain in 11 days.  It was mostly fluid that had built up.  Babies can definitely survive this early, but it depends on the underlying condition of why they are born that early.  If it's pre-term labor for the mom and nothing wrong with the baby, the chances of survival are better.  In this case, I was completely healthy, but our baby was very sick and the decision to deliver happened very rapidly.

We were instructed to go to the hospital and the doctor there would do another sonogram to decide if we were delivering today or if we could do a few rounds of steroid shots before we have to deliver.  Regardless, I was going to stay there until I delivered.  After the sonogram, we were told we would have him today.  I was kind of excited, nervous, and scared all at the same time.  I would have to have a c-section, which I had never had before.  I knew I wouldn't get to hold or nurse my baby right away and that was sad for me.  As they were prepping me, the NICU doctor came in and talked to me about what they would do when Bowie was delivered.... they would try to drain some of the fluid to give him relief, they would put him on a ventilator and they would try their best to keep him alive and comfortable.  As silly as it sounds, this was the first time that I realized that this plan did not guarantee his survival.  My biggest concern was him dying inside of me and the doctors not having an opportunity to save him.  I was instantly devastated.  I prayed to God, "Please save Bowie".  That's all I said over and over.  I didn't pray for myself or say more than those words.  I thought surely God would not let this happen again.

They started the c-section and everything seemed to be going well.  There was a team of about 6-7 people from the NICU there to assist.  Once he was out, they started draining the fluid, they intubated him quickly, and we thought things were looking promising.  The wheeled him past me in the NICU chamber bed (or whatever it's called).  I cried.  But I honestly believed that as soon as I was sewed back up, I would go to the NICU and see my baby.  I was prepared to be at the hospital every day for the next 12 + weeks until Bowie could come home.

I had my tubes tied, as planned.  They came to get Bonham.  I was finished with surgery and taken back to my room, where Bonham was standing by the door with a straight face.  My parents were there and my friend, Bobbie Jo.  I was still foggy, but I knew by the looks on their faces that something was wrong.  I asked Bonham, "What's going on?"  Bonham said, "He didn't make it."  I started crying, maybe almost screaming, "Why not?  Did they even try to save him????"  My head was spinning.  I wanted to do CPR on him myself.  I hated that I couldn't be there with him.  I hate that death is so permanent and there are no re-dos.  I just wanted to take my baby home with me.  Was that too much to ask?

Edward Bowie Calk was born on June 30, 2015 (Bonham's 34th birthday) at 6:18pm.  He weighed 4 lbs and 14 oz, even after they drained fluid from him.  He was 15 1/3 inches long.   He passed less than an hour after birth.  His first name, Edward is after my paternal grandfather.  The name Bowie was one that I liked because of the Alamo names we have going in our family: Bonham, Barrett, George Bonham.  I also like last names as first names.  So it was all fitting.  The kids loved his name and George referred to him as "BooBoo", which I thought was adorable.

When they handed him to me, I just held on tightly and cried.  I kissed him and told him I loved him.  I couldn't breathe.  I couldn't think straight.  It was over.  Done.  Not only have I experienced the loss of two beautiful baby boys in the span of 10 months, but now my tubes are tied and I will never carry or birth another child.  For those of you who have ever made that decision to not have anymore children, you know the emotions that I am talking about.  Even though having another baby would never replace the ones I've lost, there is a happiness and peace that only new life can give.  And to know for sure that this is it, is very sad to me.  I thought I would be dealing with that feeling 6 weeks post delivery of Bowie, but I am dealing with it now.


In the hospital, they made us some nice keepsakes to remember Bowie.  They had a special photographer from Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep come in to take pictures.  Bowie was able to stay in the room with me for several days, so that I could take pictures and have my time to say goodbye.  Even though that's what I requested and I felt like it was a lot of time together... when the funeral home came to pick him up, I wasn't ready.  I wanted more time, but I knew he needed to go.  His poor little body was discoloring and he was so cold.  He will be cremated and placed in an urn the same as Joey's.  These precious boys of ours will be together forever with Jesus and their urns will be buried with Bonham and I when we pass.

About two or three weeks ago, I had a dream that I was holding Joey's urn and Bowie's urn and I remember thinking, "No mother should have two urns".  I only told a handful of people about that dream, because it seemed so morbid at the time.  Now, I think it was God trying to prepare my heart.  While at the time, I thought I was just being crazy....

In a weird way, the 2nd time is easier for the kids, maybe easier on me and Bonham too, because we know what people will say and ask, and we are ready for it.  We have been through it before, although it was slightly different.  We are just going through the motions again.  It still seems unreal, like a bad dream.... I feel stronger this time around than I was last time (maybe it's the meds).  I am in physical pain and emotional pain, but I am taking time off this time.  After Joey died, I took off a day and half and got back to work.  I thought that this was the best way to handle it.  It wasn't.  I think it took longer to heal.  This time, I am taking off 8 weeks to heal, grieve, regroup, etc.

We have had such an outpouring of love from friends and family.  We've had visitors, food, monetary donations, cards, etc.  I can't thank you all enough.

I hope that this blog post helps to answer your questions.  I feel like there are so many more things I could say, but I know this has been a really long post...  I apologize for any typos and errors - hopefully, you can read through them and figure out what I am trying to say.  My heart hurts.  My body hurts.  My brain is tired.

I have posted some pictures for those interested in seeing Bowie.  I don't believe that they are graphic or disturbing, but he is also my precious baby.  I can understand if you stop reading and don't want to look at him.  I can't stop looking at him.  This is all I have left of this baby of mine....

I love him so much.  I look forward to seeing him and his brother, Joey again someday.

 The hospital gave him the sweetest little Angel gown...

 I love everything about this baby, but these hands are so beautifully made

 He is an angel...

 Edward Bowie Calk

 His sweet, chubby feet....

 There were times in the hospital that I expected him to open his eyes or start breathing.  He just looks like a mouth-breather, taking a little nap

I had some time alone with him; just the two of us where I could cry and talk to him. I so badly wanted to hear him cry, hear him breathe, nurse him, everything a mother should get the chance to do.

My in-laws, Robert and Julie were in New Mexico when they got the call about Bowie.  They drove 10 hours to be with us.  They showed up at 3:00am.  

My two long-time besties, Sage and Bobbie Jo were regular visitors.  They held and loved on my sweet baby.  They are the best friends are girl could ask for!

My mom and Dad, once again stepped in to help with our three children.  They took them here and there.  Brought them to the hospital to let us make introductions and say goodbyes.

Jayna didn't want to cry, but she didn't want to smile either...

She is such a good big sister.

My precious sister-in-law, Erin came from Abilene to just hold her nephew.

My sweet Aunt Cindy came to give her condolences.  

As weird as it sounds, I love these pictures of my precious children with their baby brother.  I wanted to have these memories for them.  They said that one thing they were the most sad about with Joey was that they didn't get to hold him or see him.

The best big brother....

 This is the woman who teaches me strength: my mom, my children's Nana

I wanted so badly to take the best pictures of Bowie, but the lighting isn't good and his color was changing.  :(  

George would have made a good big brother too!

These are my friends, Ed and Sam (they are not a couple, even though they look cute together  LOL)

They were Chase employees with me and they always have my back.  They catered dinner one night at the hospital and saved me from cold, dry chicken.  :)

Other visitors we had, but didn't get pictures of: my dad, Pam (my nurse from the Doctor's office), Rebecca (neighbor and friend, who stayed a night with me), uncle Claude, Uncle Patrick, some members of my in-laws church that were in town,  We've had visitors at home from church, friends, family.  Everyone has been so great and if I am leaving anyone out, I apologize.

This is a video of George with Bowie.  I love this and wish they had more time.  I wish we all had more time together.  Trying to explain that BooBoo is not longer in my tummy is going to be a hard concept for a 21 month old to understand, but in time, he will forget.  I will keep these pictures for him though.  

Love to all...