Let's start when we were at the hospital... someone called our room to ask about Bowie's birth certificate details, which Bonham provided. Then they started asking about his Social Security Card and I heard Bonham say, "Well, does he need one?" And there response was that it would save us time, so he said, "okay". Then they went on to ask Bonham about registering Bowie with ImmuTrac with the State. Bonham said, "He didn't receive any vaccines." The caller replied with a rebuttal of some sort. At that point, Bonham realized that the person on the other end of the phone didn't know that Bowie had passed. So that was awkward.
During the same stay, I had a patient care technician that came into the room while Bonham and I were having a moment of tears. We composed ourselves and she said, "Oh, why are you sad?" I wanted to shout at her and say, "Really lady!?! Do you not see my dead baby!!!! Pull your head out of your rearend and observe your surroundings!" But I didn't, I just gave a little smile and said, "I'm just sad." It wasn't like this was the first time she had been in my room; she was with me all day.... and they are supposed to clearly mark the door to let everyone know that the baby has "expired" as they say in the hospital. :(
Then.... I am getting food delivered to me the next day and I am holding Bowie in the bed. The nutrition lady brings the food in and sets in down. She said, "Oh, you have your baby.... can I see him?" And she starts to walk closer. I go to shield his face and I pulled him close and said, "You know he's dead, right?" She slowed her pace and still leaned over to see him, so I let her. I just didn't want to freak someone out, because she didn't act like she knew.
I think those were the only encounters at Harris Downtown where the people didn't know. So then I felt self conscience, like I need to tell everyone as fast as the words could come out.... "I delivered a baby and he died after birth". I hoped that this would limit the "Congratulations!"
I went home on Friday, the 3rd and went back to the OB's office on the 9th to have my incision looked at. My regular doctor wasn't there, so I saw a different one. My sweet nurse, Pam was trying to tell him discretely that I delivered via c-section at 28 weeks and the baby expired after birth. He was busy poking and prodding my incision. He asked Pam to get something out of the room and then he turned to me and said, "So, how's your baby?" Ugh! He was just trying to make small talk and he didn't hear her, so I tried to explain what happened without crying too much. He came over and held my hand and apologized. This doctor (ironically) was the same doctor that delivered Joey for us last September.
So I met with the surgeon the next day. No on in his office asked me about my baby, so I figured that they got the memo. He sent me down to day surgery to repair my c-section. What do you think people will assume? That I have a baby at home, right? Of course! So as I walked towards my assigned room, I sent my mom back to tell anybody and everybody that I don't have a baby and please don't ask me about one. It went really well, until the anesthesiologist came and asked if I was nursing. Then I had to tell him... again, awkward.
I go back to have surgery and I was out pretty fast.... When I woke up, I was crying and loopy. I asked, "Did someone take care of the bunnies?" (Long story, but I asked a neighbor to do it since Bonham was at work, kids were in Abilene, and my mom was with me). They said, "yes, the bunnies are good". Side note: they tell people what they want to hear coming out of surgery. I remember that as soon as they answered that question, I broke down in tears over Bowie. I kept saying, "I just want my baby to be alive. I want Bowie." I think they gave me something to mellow me out, because I slowly faded to a softer cry with no words. :(
I got to my room after surgery and there were at least 2-3 more interactions with people that weren't aware that I had lost my baby after delivery. I think some of the nurses did their best to spread the word. They tried to put stuff on my door to let others know, but it's a med-surg floor. They aren't used to dealing with postpartum.
When I was getting my first wound vac changed out, I was all alone in my room because she came earlier than expected. I was supposed to get pre-medicated before they arrived. They wanted to just start and I asked for more meds or if we can wait and they said, "no". I felt the most helpless that I have ever felt in a medical situation. There were 4 of them and one of me in a bed, on pain meds, hooked to machines. Who do you think would win this fight? :(
So they are prepping their stuff and I am crying a little, anticipating the pain of the change out. One of the nurses said, "So did you have a boy or a girl?" and I lost it.... now we had real crying and blubbering, "I had a boy, but he died after birth and then my c-section wasn't healing, so I'm back here and I wanted to pain meds to not feel as much...."
The next thing I hear is a supervisor from the hallway calling the nurse to come see her. She is gone for a few minutes while they are still prepping the bed and I am crying softly again. The nurse returns and says,"Okay, she said I can give you more meds." I know the nurse was mad, but I was so relieved!!! I just kept thanking her and thanking the supervisor. Even with the IV meds, it was painful and uncomfortable. By the next change out (two days later), I was able to just take oral meds, so they were able to release me to do my change outs at hope with a nurse 3 times a week!
All that to say.... listen people! Read body language. Or better yet, keep your mouth shut. ;) I think that I handle telling people about my deceased child better than most now, mainly because it's my second time. The hospital reps come to your room and ask about the experience and I was sure to tell them about those incidents. If this were my first loss, it could have really been traumatizing. But going through this before, it's like you are more on guard for what people will say to you and the responses are more gentle than the thoughts that you are screaming in your head! ;)
To top it off, when we got home... Bowie's Social Security card was waiting for me. A few days later, his ImmuTrac forms come in. And then just last week, I received something from my insurance company stating that I have X-number of days to add Baby Boy Calk to my policy. It's really like no one got the memo.... I need to start calling them and getting it straightened out, but I've been putting it off.
Emotionally, I feel like I am getting a little better. I know there will be rough days and I just need to allow myself to have those, just like I need to allow myself to have good ones. I can't act like Joey and Bowie don't exist, but life can't revolve around them and my grief either. Physically, I see improvement each day. I am ready to be done with this wound vac and be back to normal. Oh, how I miss having a normal shower, normal night of sleep, I miss not having to carry around this little black bag. I think we take our health for granted until we are sick and then you start to appreciate it more!
I am trying to read some books that were given to me about the loss of a child. I might become very insightful soon - look out! :) And for those of you who think I need counseling... I don't. This is my therapy. I was a psychology major and I sat in on counseling sessions in college. It's not something I need, but thank you for your concern. I have joined an online support group and connected with some other mothers who have experienced a similar loss, so we can support each other. I am surrounded with family and friends.
I feel your prayers and I know you are thinking of me. I will be okay. But just know that this blog is mine. It's where I can be real all the time. If it offends, saddens, or upsets you, I'm sorry. But this is what I need for me. I don't want to sit in a room full of crying strangers.... that won't make me better. Again, thank you for your concern, but I will be okay. It's only been a month. What I am going through is completely normal.
Thanks for reading.... until next time!
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