It just hasn't clicked yet....

Rewind about 12 years ago, give or take a few months..... I was trying out for softball my freshman year of high school. I had to get a physical done, so I went to the doctor. And I guess I didn't have a scale at my house or I just never used it.... when the doctor weighed me, I was in shock. I was 14 and I weighed 195 pounds! I was embarrassed and disgusted with myself. At that moment I decided to change my life and be thin. Something just clicked. The first few days, I tried to starve myself, but I got really hungry and it just wasn't going to work. (Bobbie Jo thinks that joke is really funny, but it really is the truth.) I started taking Dexitrim and cutting back what I ate. I really didn't eat healthy and I still drank Dr. Pepper; I just never really overate. I also started working out. I started very slow.... I first did leg lifts every night before I went to bed. And then I added crunches... and then I worked up to jogging and lifting weights.

I can remember one summer waking up and going for a jog (3 miles) and then eating a bowl of ice cream. Those were the days! I know that I am only 26, but I don't think that I could get away with that now! Anyway, in a nine month period, I had lost 55 pounds. It felt like forever at the time, but now, I can hardly remember the in between time. I just remember being thin and how great it felt to be able to where anything off the rack. I wore a size 8 for the most part, but I could sometimes wear a 6. I wore medium and sometimes even small shirts. I felt attractive, confident and sexy (I know I was young, but I still felt sexy).

I kept the majority of the weight off for quite a while, but every year I got a little heavier. For the past 4 years, I have stayed around the 220 mark, give or take a few pounds, with the exception of my pregnancies. Right before I got pregnant with Barrett, I was up to around 240 and Bonham was about 260-270 and we started doing weight watchers. He is now down in the 220's with me. I hate being so close to my husband's weight. It's just too bad that men can lose it faster than women.

Every time we start a diet or life change, I think, 'Okay, this is the time! I am going to do this NOW!!!!' and then I don't. I do good for a week or two and then I fall off the wagon and gain back the pound or two that I lost. It just hasn't clicked with me yet. I know that it needs to be a life change... I don't want to have diabetes, I don't want to have high blood pressure or heart problems. I want to exercise and show my children the importance of being active and eating healthy. I just don't know why I can't change my habits. When I started this blog, I was going to track my weight loss and try to have the reading audience hold me accountable, but when I stopped blogging about the weight loss, no one said a thing about it, so I just gave up. And not that I think that it's your responsibility to help me to lose weight, but it's hard to do on my own and I really don't know what it will take to change the way I do things.

I don't know what else to say..... I am mad at myself for doing this, for getting fat again. And I think that if I start today, that is one day closer to being thin, so I should start right now. And then the next day comes and it's like I just forget that we were doing this. I am so used to eating anything and everything and over eating, that I just can't break the cycle. I don't want my kids to be fat. It was hard to be a fat kid and I wouldn't wish that on any child.
I've gone on long enough...... I hope that this post wasn't too much of a downer!

On a side note: Bonham has applied at several resident camps and he has a phone interview tomorrow, so please be thinking about us! This is his dream job and these camps are so beautiful and they provide salary, benefits, housing and utilities paid. We are really excited and we hope that he is able to get one soon!