For those of you who have been, following, stalking, or waiting for something new, I must apologize.... You have tuned in to read a bunch of ramblings and thoughts from a girl who was up too late after taking her sleepy time meds... I just can't seem to get my mind to stop. It goes all. the. time. about anything and everything.... work, church, bills, children, borrowers, emails, laundry, anything that one human being can contemplate, I'm there. I'm thinking it.
So I decided to roll my happy little butt out to the living room and write this blog post. You're welcome. Haha! ;)
(*I didn't actually finish this post last night, because I was too tired.*)
I had rough weekend. For whatever reason, I got really sad on Saturday night and it kind of spilled into Sunday and then I seemed fine on Monday. I was so busy Tuesday and Wednesday with work and church that I felt like Thursday wasn't going to phase me as much as I had worried it would. I had a follow up/final visit with my surgeon Thursday morning. It went well. I think he will miss me... haha! On the day I had my "clean up your c-section" surgery, there was another lady having the same procedure done by the same surgeon. I have physically healed and recovered faster than she has, so he said I had "won". Then I pointed out to him that she probably got to take her baby home... who is the real winner here?
The doctor even got choked up. He said to me, "a long time ago, a heard another doctor say that you can't keep a bad apple on a tree and you can't shake a good one off. So for whatever that's worth...." I could tell he was uncomfortable and saddened to think about babies dying. No one ever knows what to say. But it doesn't matter what they say.... After I left the surgeon's office, I was a crying mess. I sat in my car and wept. It is what it is, right?
I was supposed to have my first counseling appointment yesterday too, but I had cancelled it. I've been having a lot of good days, so I don't know that I need counseling. I will probably go, because my doctor wanted me to... but I don't know. I'll circle back to that next week and let you know my feelings on the topic.
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Yesterday was the one year anniversary of Joey's death and birth. Some call it an Angelversary. Some call it a birthday. I call it stupid, unfair, and exhausting. I wish this was just another day. But it's not. September 10th will always be the day that Joey died.
Some Angel Moms choose to make cakes, release balloons, or something to celebrate their baby. I hadn't put much thought into what I wanted to do. I honestly thought I wouldn't do anything for the longest time.
I am not saying this to hurt anyone who celebrates their angel's birthday or due date and I hope my words don't make anyone think less of me... I try to be open and honest on this blog. While I love and miss Joey and I wish that he would have lived, I didn't want another baby at the time I got pregnant with him. I was resentful. And of course I was a lot more sad than I expected to be, and even still, felt silly being so sad. How can you be so sad and miss something so much when you didn't even want it in the first place??? Because he was mine. Regardless of the crazy, hormonal emotions of thinking I didn't want him. I did, deep down, want him. I loved and still love him. It doesn't even make sense what I am trying to say...
Getting pregnant with Bowie was like a renewed hope. A happiness to replace some of the sadness. Not a new baby to replace the other one. Bowie is what is called a Rainbow Baby (a baby after a loss). Then we lost Bowie. In a way, it magnified Joey's death.
So when the rainbow fades, what do you call that???? Are you stuck in the storm?
All of that being said... here I am sad. Grieving two sons and not knowing exactly how and if I want to celebrate their births/deaths and due dates. I feel like right now if I were to do something, I have to keep doing it every year and I am not in a position to commit to being sad that often. You follow me? I have Joey's due date of February 14th (then the 22nd that they moved it too, probably because he wasn't developing properly). This last year they came and went and I tried not to focus on it very much. But what date would I even acknowledge? It's easier not to. Then I have the date we delivered him, September 10th. Bowie's due date was September 23rd and he was born on June 30th (also Bonham's birthday). So there are four (almost five) dates where I might be expected to mourn or do something. Then you add on top of that the National Infant Loss Awareness Day.... and then holidays that they miss. I guess my point is, where does it end? Does it? Would it? I can't mourn them every single day and I don't.
Bonham had a great idea for us! He said that at Christmas, we should buy each of them a gift and then donate it to a good cause (Toys for tots or Angel Tree or something). I love this idea! I think on their birthdays, I would like to do some kind of giving or service to someone. Last night, we went out to dinner and I had dessert to celebrate in my head. LOL
Before dinner, we went looking for homeless people to hand out our blessing bags, but of course when you go looking, you can't find them. :( We'll try again though, in memory of Joey. (In case you are wondering about the blessing bags, they are large zip lock bags with mints, toiletries, non-perishable food items, etc. that you give to someone who is clearly in need. This way you aren't handing over cash. We put an encouraging note in there and a small bible too.)
Today is a new day. I am better today. I am busy today. :)
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Happy Birthday Joey!
I hope that you and Bowie aren't causing too much trouble up there! If you are anything like Barrett and George, then you are probably climbing on and jumping off of everything in sight.
We love you and miss you!
~ Mommy, Daddy, Jayna, Barrett, and George
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