I should have been at the hospital.... attached to an IV and monitors, ready to deliver our precious Bowie. He should have been a big, healthy, whopping 8+ pound baby. But instead, I am sitting in my living room, typing this blog while the rest of my family sleeps. Oh well.
That's how I've felt lately: Oh well.
About most things.... it's a strange feeling to just throw my hands up and say, "There's nothing I can do about it. It is what it is. And you have to move on."
What's the other option? I mean, let's really think about it. How would you feel if your mom completely checked out on you because of a baby she never brought home, when she has had you physically in her home and in her life for 2 years? 7 years? 9 years? As a child, would you be able to wrap your little mind around that? No, you wouldn't and neither can my children. That's what I have to consider... these kids need me to function. That doesn't mean that I can't have my moments of sadness. It just means that I can't wallow in this. It can't consume me and I won't let it.
Going back to work has been a much better distraction than I had anticipated. I was worried that I wouldn't be able to focus or be productive, but that has not been the case, which is good since I work on commission! :)
I won't say that my mental clarity is always 100 percent, but I think that it will get better with time. I honestly believe that the first year after a loss is the most difficult because there are a lot of "what should have been" moments that you experience. But the fact of the matter is that God is in control and really, this is what should have been, because this is His plan. Regardless of why, He planned this path for me.
For Joey, the first year is probably not as difficult as this first year after losing Bowie will be for a few reasons:
- Having two losses in such a short time is just rough no matter how you slice it.
- Bowie was at a gestational age where if he hadn't have been so sick at birth, he could have survived. Joey was not.
- Bowie's numbers and levels were good all the way up to his birth. Joey's were not. Joey honestly, didn't have a good start and we know that. I was still nursing George and I was on birth control when I got pregnant with Joey. But with Bowie, I did everything I was supposed to do.... and he still wasn't meant for Earth.
I don't really know where I am on this spectrum above. I feel like I have jumped around from day to day. I'm more sad today, than I was yesterday. Maybe because the past few days I have been telling everyone that I am fine. And overall, I am... don't worry. I know that these losses (so close together) have caused me anxiety and depression. Even if you are reading this and don't completely agree with being medicated to help with this, I have to tell you.... it works! I attribute a lot of my ability to function to these meds. I joke about them a lot, because I don't want to be medicated, but I feel it's a necessity for me. I can't imagine what I would be like right now without them. It's not a dependency thing; it's a fact. There is a chemical imbalance in my brain and this medication regulates it for me. It makes me have a "roll off my back" kind of attitude and peace that I have never been able to achieve on my own.
Medication is not a long term solution for me and I know that. Time will heal these wounds and while there will be some sad moments, they will be fewer and fewer as the days, months, and years go by. I just need to get through this time right now.
So today, I might be a little sad.... I don't need you to be sad for me or with me. I just need people to try to understand that this is a process. Its a process that only I am experiencing. My husband, my children, my parents, even other Angel moms are not experiencing the exact same emotions I am . It's different for each person who has experienced a loss. My doctor (a great man) prepared me that I would be the only one who carried this forever.... everyone else will move on. And that is okay. Really. I don't need anyone else to remember the boys, acknowledge the boys, because it doesn't make them any more or less real to me. They are my children too and I love them, miss them, and think about them every single day.
But just like any loss, you have to move forward.
Reba McEntire sang it best:
Last night I prayed the Lord my soul to keep
Then I cried myself to sleep
So sure life wouldn't go on without you
But oh this sun is blinding me
As it wakes me from the dark
I guess the world didn't stop
For my broken heart
For the women out there who have experienced a loss..... it is a pain like no other. An extreme, deep hurt. Please know that I am thinking of you and praying for you as I pray for my own healing. Our babies are safe, pain free, and happy. Missing them is okay. Crying for them is okay, but they want us to move on and be happy. They want us to do good things in their names. They want us to help each other, promote the good in life, and make them proud to call us "Mommy".
So today, I might cry randomly. I might smile randomly. Who knows what emotions today or tomorrow will hold. Look out! Haha! We are taking the big kids to a Ranger game this evening and there is a fireworks show after. I will think of my Angels. I will remember them, but I will live in the moment and enjoy this time with my Earthly children too. Because I am superwoman and I can do it!
On September 2nd, our church started a bible study for women who have experienced infertility, miscarriage, and infant loss. It's a small group of wonderful, caring ladies who are all at different stages of grief or recovery. The woman who started the group, Britni is a thin, blonde woman (ring a bell?) I know Bonham thinks I am a crazy person, but I swear she is the woman from my dream. Obviously, she is not in Heaven with Bowie, but she is still a comforting force. It's hard to explain. You can think I'm crazy too.... join the group! ;)
Anyway, I feel like this bible study, in combination with this blog and going back to work is helping in my healing process. I had a counseling appointment scheduled for last week and I cancelled it because I was so busy at work. I had one scheduled for yesterday and I really was going to go.... but I didn't feel like I need to. My thought process was that if I am not currently crying and struggling, why go and try to explain everything and make it fresh again? I called the therapist and told her my thoughts and she completely agreed that it could be a set back if I felt good. She said that if the meds are working and I don't need to come in, that I should just keep on keeping on. So that is my plan for now.... keep on going.
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