Speechless.... (continued)

Sorry you had to wait a whole 24 hours to hear this story... trust me it's worth it!!!

**I have to warn you that this post is longer than yesterday's.**

Let me give you a little bit of background for this one.... when I was younger and my parent's owned their day cares, there was a lady who worked for them for awhile. Her name is Rhonda. We have known Rhonda for at least 20+ years. Rhonda was married to Mark, and they had 2 boys, Luke and Max. Their family and our family used to go skiing every Thanksgiving, so we knew them pretty well.

The weekend that Bonham I got married (January 8, 2005), Mark told Rhonda that he was having an affair and that he wanted a D-I-V-O-R-C-E. So needless to say, they were not at our wedding. The day after our wedding, we were at the mall taking the guys' tuxes back and we ran into Mark - awkward!

So 5 years has gone and Mark and Rhonda are divorced. Mark has moved on.... Rhonda hasn't as much, which is kind of understandable. They were married for over 15 years, maybe almost 20, I'm not sure.

Bonham got a call to DJ a wedding, but the bride wanted to talk to me about a few things. I called her back and went over some stuff, got her address and I was going to send her a contract. The address seemed so familiar. Come to find out, she was marrying Mark! Now, this isn't the same woman that he cheated with.... it's a new one. He has only been dating her for about 6 months and she has already moved in with her 4 girls! Once I figured out who the groom was, I told Bonham I didn't want to do this wedding. Bonham doesn't really know them, so it's not weird for him. He convinced me to just do it and it would be fine... I think he wishes we hadn't now. =)

The bride was very nice, but very scatter-brained. She kept telling me the same things over and over.... she didn't know the answers to the simplest questions.... and she asked the strangest questions. She asked me, 'Do you do anything different for a second wedding?' I told her that most of the time we don't even know that it's a second wedding until we get there. And most people do all of the same things. She said that she didn't want to do a bouquet & garter toss, because she didn't think it would be right for their kids to catch it. Okay lady, it's okay for your kids to see you 'shacking up', but it's not okay for them to catch a thing of flowers... man, you've got some screws loose! To each their own. To give you an idea of the ages of the children - his 2 boys are 15 and 20, and her girls are 18, 17, 7, and 6.

I could go on and on about different things that went on, but let me just tell you that it was very uncomfortable. We have done weddings for people where we know that it's not their first marriage, but this one was different because we knew why it wasn't their first marriage - if that makes since.


As I was going over everything with the bride, she told me 2 important things... she wanted her oldest daughter to sing a song during the ceremony and the preacher's wife, Rhonda was going to give the toast and make a few announcements. (I know its strange that the 'helper' at this wedding's name was Rhonda.... the groom's ex-wife's name)

I had told her that we didn't have the karaoke version of the song that her daughter wanted to sing, so she would need to bring it. She told me they had it. We showed up and guess what? She didn't have it. We apologized and it was decided that we would play the regular song and her daughter wouldn't sing. But that didn't keep people from bad-mouthing us in the bathroom as I was trying to get ready.... and mind you, we haven't even started yet! =)

I got into my DJ attire and I was heading back into the bathroom to fix my hair and helper -Rhonda asks me to start some soft music because they are going to seat the guests. I already don't like her.... its strange how you just know when someone is going to over-step their helper duties. So I told her it would be a minute. (we weren't supposed to start the music for another 10 minutes, but we will start early if needed, but I like to look nice first)

I'm walking out of the bathroom.... and there is helper-Rhonda. 'Can you start some soft music? We are going to seat people now.' The ceremony wasn't going to start for another 20 minutes and it was upstairs in this 'attic-like' room and it was HOT!!! I go up there and start the music... and she's being very involved in the seating of people, 'who are you with? Bride or Groom?' and then ordering Max and Luke around, 'Max, come over here... seat them on this side, this row'. She wasn't being rude, as much as she was being annoying.

And then she leaned down to us and said, 'We are going to seat the aunts, do you have a song for that?' I said, 'Everything that I am playing before the ceremony is instrumental, so you can seat them whenever. The bride and I had only discussed a song for the guys and daughters to walk down to and then the bridal march for the bride.' She didn't seem too happy with that - too bad! =)

Then we were waiting for our cue to play the song during the ceremony. We were told that some specific words would be said, so we were listening for those and we had our hands on the equipment ready to go.... and then help-Rhonda (who is also the preacher's wife) comes over and scares the poo out of Bonham and says, 'Not yet, not yet! He has more to say!'

Chill out lady!!! We know what we are doing. And we are trying to be prepared! Aarrgghhh!

So the preacher says his words and then he say, 'DJ, please' You idiot. We know when to do it. It frustrates me when people act like we are children. (I know that this sounds like I am being a baby, but just imagine if someone tried to micro-manage your every move at work).

During the ceremony, the preacher talks about how God has given them a second chance at love... and how marriage is about faithfulness and love, commitment.... I know all of this. You know all of this. Maybe someone should have told the groom on the first go-round. It just made me sick. And I felt so bad for his boys that they had to stand there and listen to that. I'm sure that the whole time they were thinking, 'and what about your vows with my mom?' So sad.


So the ceremony is over... and the preacher starts to say that everyone is dismissed. We start to grab the laptop so that we can head down stairs and start the music before everyone rushes down there. And helper-Rhonda. blocks the entrance and says, 'Wait, wait.' We were a little freaked out. She goes on, 'There is beer and wine downstairs. There is also a buffet, so please help yourselves to some food and the bridal party will be down shortly to join us at the reception.' Really? Really? You needed to stop us all for that? Isn't that what the preacher just said?


There is more....

Everyone goes down stairs. They are sitting and talking the caterers are getting the food out. Helper-Rhonda comes over and wants to make an announcement (surprise!). I give her the microphone and she says, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, I'd like to welcome you to the reception for (insert name). We will be serving the food, please help yourself. Pictures, blah, blah, blah....' Okay, so she gives the microphone back and thanks me.

She made another announcement, but I can't remember what it was now. But she was coming up to our booth every few minutes to tell us about something or asking us to do something. We are good at trying to appease guests or relatives of the bride and groom, but people like this are so annoying! You come to a point where you don't really want to be nice anymore! But what are you supposed to do? You can't be rude to them.... can you? =)

The bride and I had discussed doing things in this order:
Ceremony, pictures, eating, first dance, father/daughter dance, cake cutting & toast, and dancing.
I go over to the bride and groom:
Me: Were you going to try to eat?
Bride: No, I don't think so.
Me: Okay, when would you like to do your first dance?
Bride: In about 15 minutes.
Me: Okay, sounds good.

I go back to the DJ booth. Seriously, the next song starts.... helper-Rhonda goes over there and leads the bride and groom to the table with the cakes and then she heads straight for me. She makes another announcement that goes something like this:
Ladies & Gentlemen, if you would please turn your attention to the beautiful cake table. I 'd like to introduce to you for the first time, Mr. & Mrs (insert name).
Didn't we already do this? This sounds so familiar....
She continues...
I am going to be giving a quick toast in a minute, so please be sure that you have something to toast with.
Her announcements were longer and more annoying than this, but I don't want to lose you.... =)

As you can tell, she is messing up our order. I walk the microphone over to the cake cutting table. I introduce her:
Me: We are going to have Rhonda give our toast
Helper-Rhonda: (she looks toward the DJ booth, not even realizing that I am standing next to her) Just a minute...
She gives a brief toast and I am ready to take the mic back....
Helper-Rhonda: At this time, I would like to ask the bride's father to say something....
She hands off my microphone and she says a short something. She takes it back and again, I am ready to take it back....
Helper-Rhonda: At this time, I would like to ask Mark's uncle to say something. She says a few more things about the uncle and says a brief few words. Again, I am ready to take the mic back now!!!
And my blood pressure starts to increase just thinking about this next part. This is how it goes down....
Helper-Rhonda: At this time (yes she kept saying 'At this time'), the bride and groom are going to have their dance and then we will have some cake.
AND THIS IS WHY YOU ARE NOT RUNNING THE SHOW!!!!
They just cut the cake, let the people eat the cake!!
Me: (I gently, but swiftly guide the mic down) No, we need to get their song up. We are not doing the first dance right now.
Helper-Rhonda: (She pulls the mic back up) Okay, they don't have the song ready.
I quickly pull the mic towards me.
Me: Don't say that. We just cut the cake.... let people eat the cake and then we will have their dances.
She yanks the mic back toward her! And now I just want to punch her in the face!
Helper-Rhonda: Okay, they aren't quite ready for the first dance. Let's have the cake servers come over and serve the cake.
I take my microphone back and walk back to the DJ booth.

A few minutes later, helper-Rhonda walks over and asks if I can make an announcement. I think that she knows that she has lost microphone privileges at this point.
She asked what we were going to do next, so I told her what the bride and I had discussed..... first dance, father/daughter dance and then she wanted us to turn up some dance music. And she said, 'Well, don't turn it up too loud.' She begins to walk away and then she turns back towards us, almost as an after thought, and says, 'You guys are awesome. You're doing a great job!'.

Well, thank you so much crazy lady. I really needed to validation from you!
Now, I can have such a peace about all of the annoying, crazy things that you have done this evening! NOT!!!

(Almost done, I promise....)

They have their first dance, father/daughter dance.... and then I played the cupid shuffle (a request that the bride's daughters had wanted). We were trying to liven up the party and get people to start dancing.

Here comes helper-Rhonda (again).....
Helper-Rhonda: Can you play 'Love Me Tender' by Elvis? That was mine and my husband's first dance song.
Me: Yes, we will. We are trying to play some upbeat songs for a little while and then when we slow it down, we will play it.
Helper-Rhonda: You can just play it now, no one is going to dance to this kind of stuff, except the kids.
Me: This is what the bride asked us to play for the kids. We will play it later.

So she walks away.... I really didn't want to play 'Love Me Tender'. Its an okay song, but its sooooo slow.....

A few songs later, guess who is at our booth? Yep, helper-Rhonda! Oh, how I had missed her so! (sarcastic) =)

Helper-Rhonda: Were you going to play my song next?
Me: I was going to play it in about 2-3 songs.
Helper-Rhonda: Just turn this one off and play it.
Bonham: We don't do that!!!
Me: We can't just stop songs to start another one (especially not for someone who is not the bride or groom - they pay us). 'Love Me Tender' is just so slow.
Helper-Rhonda: Well, that is the only song that my husband can dance to and he is going to dance with the bride.
**Kind of weird, because I just saw them dancing to another song together and wasn't this their first dance song at their wedding? Why would she want her husband to dance with another woman to their first dance song? Whatever....

Okay, okay... we put it on. Helper-Rhonda grabs the bride and her husband and puts them together so that they can dance.

And then Helper-Rhonda goes over and dances with the groom.... I'm still thinking that this is strange. But whose to judge, right? (Well, I guess me, because I am writing about it.)

We fade the song out a little more than half-way through. And guess what happens. You'll never guess!! Helper-Rhonda and her husband leave almost immediately after! It was amazing. If I would have known that, we would have played it before the wedding even started!!!

The rest of the night was pretty uneventful. We packed up and then went to meet up with my parents to 'exchange the goods', as I like to say (that means pick up the kids). =)

So are you wondering about that twist that I promised? Well, here it goes!

Bonham and I were telling my parents all about our evening.... and my mom said, 'I didn't want to tell you this before the gig, but that Rhonda (helper-Rhonda) was the woman that Mark left his wife, Rhonda for! OMG (I normally don't type OMG, but I think it's appropriate now!). I could go on forever about how messed up that whole situation is looking back now, but I will let you ponder all of that.....