8 days...

Is that right?  Eight days?  Eight days.  Only eight. Eights. Days.  Wow.

What do I say?  I am ready.  I am not ready.  I wish it wasn't happening at all, but it is... so we have to handle it.  Wow.  I don't know what to say.

I know that people are checking here for updates... there won't be any updates until next week, but I feel obligated to say something right now.  But I have nothing to say (shocking, I know!).  I can tell you that I am sad.  But also... I feel numb.  How is that possible?  I think I sound insensitive when I tell people what is happening... I hope they don't think I am heartless.  Heartless.  Strange term to use right now... I am not heartless.  I might be heartbroken.

I feel confident that Barrett will be fine.  Everyone tells me he will be fine.  I think he will be fine. 

But other thoughts creep in... How could they not?  I worry about him not making it through the surgery.  I worry about him having long term complications.  My eyes well up just typing that.  But that is what I am thinking and feeling.  But, I am strong, right?  At least that is how I act.  I've always thought that God gave me different struggles... my weight, finances, impatience.... but not medical.  I felt like maybe God knew that I couldn't handle medical, so he didn't put that on me.  I'm not sure if I should take it as a compliment that the Lord thinks I can handle this...  I have to handle it.  Because that is what I do.  I am strong.  I am sarcastic.  I am the one who overcomes.  The one who excels when met with adversity.  Something like that...

Barrett caught me off guard over the weekend by asking me if he was going to die... he said that a kid at school said he was going to die because he got bit by a mosquito.  I was relieved that the kid didn't tell him he was going to die because he was going to have surgery.  It still made me sad though.  It seems like we talk very matter-of-factly about death in our house.  Maybe we have done this because we have been so healthy.... until now.  Now.

I don't want to talk about it... I don't want to think about it.  I don't want my kids to die.... I want them to grow.  I want them to be healthy and happy.  I want them to have kids of their own. 

I know this post is gloomy.  And choppy.  I know.  But that is how my thoughts are right now... choppy.  Gloomy, at times.  I want to turn it around.  It's hard though.  I don't want people to try to cheer me up - this is not a pity-party blog.  These are just my thoughts as I sit down and write about them.  If you talk to me, text me, email me... I am going to say, "I'm fine".  Just go with it.... 

I do take comfort in knowing that this surgery is more common, but it still stinks.  Okay, I have to stop.  I created this blog over 4 years ago... I created this blog to make people laugh and to let them see what our kids were up to.  I am looking forward to happy posts.  Non-heart-surgery posts.  Happy, healthy kids posts.  Funny, light-hearted posts.