I have honestly had so many thoughts in my head lately and I keep thinking that I would like to write about that, but when I sit down, I can't remember what I wanted to say. Then I start being random.
I was exhausted at the end of that post and didn't really finish my thoughts... I don't have a reason for losing Joey. I don't have a reason (yet) for losing Bowie. And that kills me. I just want to know why; even if it's a medical reason and not a supernatural one. At least I can accept that. In previous months, I felt like I was getting to the point to where I had accepted that losing Joey was a fluke, a one-off kind of thing. Early in my pregnancy with Bowie, I was assured that my worries were all in my head.... And then when something went wrong, I maintained a positive attitude up until they told me died. I feel like I am now back to wanting a reason for both of my losses.
Lately, I have been thinking a lot about the boys' names. I felt like Joey's name meant that we were supposed to have more children (God will increase residence). If you were analyzing a meaning, wouldn't you come to same the conclusion???
When we first got pregnant with Joey, I hadn't wanted to be pregnant. I was very resentful about being pregnant. George was only 9 months old. I was so tired all the time. I felt like I was robbed of my nursing and bonding time with George. I felt like I wasn't going to get to enjoy George's baby stage as long, because I was going to have another baby so soon. And then we lost Joey and I immediately felt guilty and I had this overwhelming desire to be like the Duggars and have as many children as God allowed! It was like God had re-ignited a passion in my heart and mind to have a house full of children. I thought maybe this was the lesson he wanted to teach me by getting pregnant and losing a baby. As if he were saying, "Cristina, I gave you the gift of life and you took it for granted, so I took it from you..." Lesson learned. I was going to be more appreciative of God's blessings from here on out!
Then we got pregnant with Bowie. Even on the days I was tired, my back hurt, not feeling well (just feeling pregnant), I tried to be thankful and not say negative things about being pregnant. God knew that I was getting very uncomfortable and He knew that I didn't have any intentions of going through pregnancy again.... I was still happy to be pregnant. Happy to have another life inside of me. Happy to take on God's blessing. But then God took Bowie too. Explain that!
When we were pregnant with Bowie, I couldn't find the meaning of his name on any baby-name-websites. A few days ago, I was determined to find a meaning and I prayed that it would give me some insight, some hope, show me a sign that God had His hand in this grieving process. When I found the meaning, "blonde or fair haired", I about lost it. Bowie was extremely fair haired, which is not normal for our children. They all had darker hair at birth. Even if they hardly had any hair, you could tell it was dark. Edward means "Prosperous or Wealthy Guardian".
Do you remember the blog post about my dream where I was able to see Bowie and hold him? It was so vivid to me and I think about it often. You might remember that there was a lady with Bowie. She wasn't anyone that I knew or know of currently. She had long, straight, blonde hair. She was a thin, well-dressed woman and seemed like she came from money. (I'm profiling) After reading the meaning of Bowie's name and thinking about my dream, it does give me some peace to know that he is with his guardian. I feel like I was given that dream. I feel like I was finally able to find a website to provide me a meaning to Bowie's name, so that my over-analyzing brain could try to make sense of the dream. I thank God for that.
I still feel like Joey's name has meaning, but maybe it has more meaning for our family than for him. Maybe Joey was meant to give me a sign.... I feel like God will increase our residence. (In His time) It will not be through birth and we are at peace with that. Do I still get sad to think that I will never feel another baby inside of me? Of course I do.
Do I also know that there are tons of children out there that need a loving home? You bet! In another blog post, I will try expand more on our thoughts about adoption and the conversations Bonham and I have had over the years. Some of you that have known us for a long time will know that this is something we have considered since we were dating. We know that now is not the time. It is something that we will pray about and consider very carefully for our future. :)
But for now... I hope that our boys are together and playing nicely. :) I hope that they are being spoiled by their great grandparents! I hope that they know that they are loved and missed very much here on Earth.
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