Don't get me wrong, I love helping people! That's the best part of my job - helping people! I am more of a "customer service" type person, and less of a "sales person." It's also fun to problem solve and number crunch... running multiple scenarios and educating people on their options and the process.
For those who don't know, I am a mortgage loan officer. This line of work has a lot of perks, such as being able to office from the comfort of my home, so that I can homeschool my older children. :) Over the past 12 years that I have done mortgages, it has provided for our family. There have been some slim times, but when it's all said and done, the lights are still on and everyone gets fed. It's just the nature of the business. Ups and downs.
Another perk is that I don't have to "punch the clock" daily... I can work as much or as little as I wish. Of course, it will reflect in my paycheck when I work less. I primarily get my leads from my realtor partners, some from online lead sources, and quite a few from repeat customers or customer referrals. One mortgage referral can make a huge impact on our finances.
If you've ever worked in a commission based industry, you know the stress it brings.... never really knowing where the next deal will come from can be very stressful. Every lead is so vital to my success. I am worried about returning and performing as I did before. I am not the same person as I was before. Will I be the same loan officer as I was before? For my realtors and customers, I hope I am.
I am very grateful to the realtors and customers who have been so loyal to me over the years and for the newer relationships that I have. I hope and pray that my time away hasn't hurt those relationships. In this business, it's incredibly risky to take too much time off. Each time I have had a child, moved companies, moved towns, etc., I saw a drop in my business. This is the longest I have ever taken off after having a child. Normally, I am ready to get back to work and take care of everyone's needs, but this time is different. This time, I have to explain my absence and wait for the "congratulations!" just to follow up with, "he passed shortly after birth."
It's coming. I know it will.
I wish I could preface every new conversation with, "I had a baby. He died. I had surgery and took some time off. I am rusty. Forgive me. Let's move forward..." :)
After we lost Joey, I returned to work the very next day. I cried on the phone with my customers and realtors. It was a huge mistake to return that quickly. But what did I know? I don't think there is ever a good time to return, if you think about it. Waiting too long could be awkward. Returning too quickly could be more damaging. If only, I could just hide under a rock, but there is no money to be made under a rock. :(
I wanted to take enough time off to let my body heal, which it almost has. Today marks two months. Two months since I had my C-section. Two months since I held my sweet Bowie. I follow up with my surgeon again in about 10 days and hopefully, that will be the last appointment. I see my home health care nurse on Thursday and she will release me from her care too. There is still numbness in some areas; some pain in others. I've read that this can continue for years to come. Yay for me! (sarcasm)
I wanted to take enough time off to be able to make it through the day without crying. The majority of my days are without tears. There are still some days that are incredibly rough. The smallest thing can make me start thinking about Bowie, my loss, my pain.... The memories are still so vivid. I know that time will heal me. I know that eventually I will be able to see newborn pictures, hear people tell their birth stories, talk about nursing babies, and all of those things that set me off right now and I won't be affected as much as I am now. It's hard.
I still have a hard time being around groups. On Saturday, I attended two events. As much as I love my friends, it was too much in one day. I went to bed super early last night and I was extremely restless. I was in bed for almost 12 hours, but slept maybe 7-8 hours. I know I can't stay home forever, but going out is so difficult.
I used to love crowds. I loved being the center of attention. But now I prefer one-on-one conversations, instead of group settings. I prefer email and text over phone calls, but that started changing when we lost Joey. It has only gotten worse since losing Bowie.... I get nervous and anxious in public or if there are too many people around. My heart starts pounding in my chest, my hands shake, and I feel claustrophobic. I get anxious just thinking about having to go out in public or be around a group... It's awful. I hope this gets better with time. The anxiety makes me feel scatter-brained. I was already slightly ADD, but it's gotten worse lately. The psychiatrist said that on my next visit, they can give me something to help me focus. That would awesome! Think how much more I could accomplish if I could focus more - the possibilities are endless.
This first week back is going to be cRaZy!!!! I know that I have several deals to put in as soon as I return. This is such a blessing, but the thought of having so much to do right away is overwhelming me already.
I have planned a light week for the kids' school work this week. Bonham is going to take them on a few educational field trips to give me time to be super productive! I hope to use this time wisely. Work smarter, not harder, right? Wish me luck! ;)
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