Back to normal?

Yesterday was 8 weeks since we lost Bowie.  Some days, it seems like forever ago and then other times, I feel like it's so fresh and so raw.  I keep saying the same thing over and over... I have good days and bad days.  Other days, I fall somewhere in the middle and I'm not really sure if I can call it good or bad.  Take today for example... I'm not in the mood to talk to people, not in the mood to be overly nice, I don't want to go anywhere, I just want to be alone and eat ice cream.  I'm irritable.  I'm not crying.  Just pondering.... pondering what it will be like to return to work next week. Questioning if I can return to normal when I need to step up to take care of business.  Hopefully, I can.  So far, my co-workers, customers, and referral partners have been really understanding about everything.  The problem is that every one, I mean every one moves on faster and better than a mother after infant loss.....

I want to be happy again.  I want to be normal.  It's so hard to force yourself to be normal when you don't even know what that means.... What is normal?  Whatever it is, I don't feel that way yet.  I feel scattered, emotional, withdrawn, and sometimes hopeless. (Yes, I know this is depression.... that is why the doctor has me on meds to help regulate my moods)

I would have been 36 weeks pregnant today.

Several of my friends are expecting babies over the next few weeks.  It makes this time even more difficult.  It's a strange feeling to be so incredibly happy for them and their healthy baby, but then turn around and be so completely devastated for my loss.  What a roller coaster of emotions!

I think I have been more distant and less enthusiastic in the last week.  Mainly, because I received a call from my OBGYN that the tests that they ran on Bowie came back with no determination to what caused him to get sick  Yes, you read that correctly.  In one breath, the doctors say that he was so sick and that what he had wasn't compatible with life (I have come to hate that phrase).  How can he have been so healthy and perfect for 26 1/2 weeks and then all of sudden, over an 11 day period, he became so sick and there is NO REASON????  How much sense does that make?   In another breath, the same doctors are saying that there was no reason and these things happen.  Okay, okay, okay.  Fine.  These things happen.  So I just move on?  I just get over it?  Easier said than done.

They ran multiple tests on his tissue, his fluids, the placenta, my labs, etc. and still.... nothing.  I know that having a reason doesn't bring him back.  It doesn't change anything, but it would have made me feel better to know why.  Even with an explanation for him getting so sick, so quickly, I would probably still have questioned God as to why He decided to make Bowie so sick.  He had already taken one baby from me, so why take another?

I know that I am not the only woman to have lost two babies.  I do know that.  But this is how I feel.  Alone in my grief.  Lost as to how to get passed this.  I don't want to verbally talk about it, so please don't ask me.... I prefer to lie to your face and tell you that I am doing better and that I am okay.  But on the flip side, I want you to understand why I don't want to attend your group function; I want you to understand that I am primarily going to post happy and funny things, because I need that for my family.  I feel like I am letting them down being depressed.

I have been reading some books about loss, grief, and adversity.  The overall consensus is that $h!+ happens.  :(   Isn't that nice?  We are supposed to just accept that things are the way that they are and move on.  We can pray, but that won't necessarily change the outcome.  It just makes us feel better... I guess I need to finish these books, but that is the message I am receiving from them right now.

At the urging of my OB, I went to see a psychiatrist for an evaluation.  My doctor prefers that a psychiatrist regulate the types of meds I take and the dosage I take.  So I reluctantly set  up an appointment and went on Monday.  There were a lot of questions.... no counseling, just questions.  They gave me a few meds to try and asked that I remain on the ones that my OB gave me until my follow up with them in 4 weeks.  They get so many people in there just trying to get meds, that they need to really be able to evaluate your state of mind before they do too much.  I completely understand that.  They gave me a list of counselors that I could check in to.  I haven't called anyone yet.  There is a lady at church that offers counseling (she might actually be reading this - I'm not sure) and my nurse referred me to trusted counselor.  I guess I need to call and see about getting an appointment set up.

(NOTE: I'm not asking for opinions here.... just stating my feelings)
As stated before, I have mixed emotions about seeking counseling.  Personally, I am opposed to going to a group counseling session, because I believe that other peoples' sadness will make me more sad and I think there could be some people in attendance that don't really want to move on.  I don't need that.  I need healing, not to be stagnant in my grief.   I think one-on-one counseling would be the best, but here are my concerns with that: 1)  I am a talker... I might not ever get to the point!  2)  What if I just cry the whole time   3)  Will those days automatically be my "sad" days because I know that I will be talking about it?  And will the days surrounding it be sad and unproductive?   4)  What if I really am crazy????  LOL

I will go, but I am just expressing my concerns.  I know that several people have suggested counseling, but they gave different circumstances for why they went and they state that it was helpful.  My situation is different.  I am different.  I believe that I will heal with or without counseling.  I just don't know that it will be a faster or slower, less painful or more painful process with counseling than without.  I guess I will let you know...

I miss him.  I miss me.